A Son’s Soliloquy

I hope Heaven is only like the Philippines.

You are there… and I am here.

We’re getting used to the physical separation

and technology is bridging the connection.

You are just there…

busy with the usual household chores:

cooking your famous “lola-bee” fried chicken and adobong pechay,

cleaning the house and feeding your dogs.

I really hope heaven is just like the Philippines…

You’re there when I come home.

 

But it’s not.

You’ve migrated to a far off place

A place where you’re out of coverage nor a chance to have a glimpse of you is impossible.

A place that I’m not allowed to go… at least for now (not too soon)

 

You we’re gone…

Gone and you’re not able to join us in your grand children’s celebrations

(when you used to prepare food as if it’s just a regular lunch)

Gone and you’re not able to see the view and the pool  of our condo

(which showroom we used to visit and imagine living in it)

Gone and you’re not able to see Tokyo or Doha at least

(which I bet will just make you mad just by counting the cost of travelling)

You were gone… and I will never see you again…

 

And that makes me lonely… especially on days like today.

Two years had passed and my eyes still sweat just by thinking about it.

I thought I am over it,

but I still feel the loss… and I still want your embrace.

I know it’s a void in my heart that only God can fill.

And I pray that I’ll overcome it

soon enough that I’d be able to move on.

 

Please tell God about my pains and my worries.

Please tell God that I’m sorry for everything.

Please tell God how much I’m trying to become a good father and a husband

even though I have not become the best son you ever wanted me to be.

Please tell God to heal me so I can be whole again

and I’d be able to love more people, even if some of them are unlovable.

Please tell God… Thank You,

for giving me a mother much more than I deserve.

 

I know heaven is more fun than the Philippines…

Enjoy your vacation and hope you’ll have more friends up there.

Watch over us down below

and know that you are loved… even if you’re gone.

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